My First Chemotherapy

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Once I made the decision to do chemotherapy, I knew that I had to radically change my attitude towards it. My first step was to thank Spirit for the opportunity to keep my body alive, and my second was to completely accept the drugs into my body. To accomplish this nearly impossible task, I had to perform a perfect 180 degree flip from old me to new me. Old me didn't believe in Western medicine because it had failed me in the past; new me was willing to give Western medicine another chance, and to go all the way, no holds barred. Whatever I had to deal with - puking, mouth sores, nausea, hair loss, sore throat, migraines, diarrhea, fevers, secondary infections, exhaustion, heart complications - I would accept and handle.

Jeremy Geffen, M.D.

In a private consultation I had with Dr. Jeremy Geffen, author of The Journey Through Cancer, Jeremy emphasized how important it is to resolve any doubts about doing chemo before you start. He deeply believes in the body-mind connection, and feels that holding a split attitude about chemo i.e. "it's a terrible poison but there's no other chance for me," can actually worsen the side effects and lessen the chance the chemo has to be effective. Here's a quote from Jeremy's book, p. 77:

As a patient, you must at some point find a way to suspend the unceasing activity of a doubing mind. This is not to suggest that you should abandon thinking or abdicate your sovereign right to know and understand what is happening to you. However if the doubting mind is left unchecked, it can seriously undermine the treatment process.

There is a strong field of fear surrounding chemotherapy because it has sometimes brought more suffering into the cancer patient's life. If a cancer patient makes the decision to do chemotherapy, I think it's imperative to dissolve that fear in the way that's right for each individual. Some people might pray to Jesus, some might use self-hypnosis, others might engage their will. Because working with archetypes comes so naturally to me, I do meditations, visualizations and active imagination sessions with the Medicine Buddha that have helped me to accept the chemotherapy as healing balm that flows from his medicine bowl into my body. And I also imagine the great protector Mahakala absorbing any excess chemo that might cause collateral damage.

Here I am at my first chemotherapy session. My sweetheart, Ken, and my dear friend Aubrey were with me, and they both videotaped the treatment. The syringe of red liquid that you see in the foreground is adriamycin, is a very potent chemo that's nicknamed "the red devil."

Me and my new friend, "the red devil"

The first time I heard that adriamycin is nicknamed "the red devil," I felt uneasy and frightened of it. Then I remembered that I used to love Red Devils candy when I was a kid. It was hot, spicy, and tasted like cinnamon. I decided to make a conscious association in my mind between Red Devils candy and Red Devil adriamycin, and it worked! It might sound silly, but my fear of adriamycin dissolved. In Jeremy's book, he talks about how important the meanings are that we assign to different words or events. He says that "if beliefs are the 'truths' we attach to ideas and experiences in the real world, meanings are the significance we give to those ideas and experiences." These are profound words that have the potential to change our lives. For example, here are two different meanings I can assign to having cancer. I can choose to fall into a deep depression and become convinced that I am being punished by God, or I can look at my cancer as an opportunity to learn, grow, help others, and learn how to love more fully.

Sweet Aubrey and me

And believe me, I am no Pollyanna. I've experienced plenty of depression, doubt, fear and anxiety in my life. But there is something about my having cancer that has rocked my boat so dramatically that whole handfuls of my beliefs about life have been uprooted. I truly have the feeling that anything is possible. Yes, I might die, but I also might live. Yes, I have a tumor but I also am learning how to dissolve it, and not just with the chemo. Love is dissolving it. I love myself more now than ever before in my life. I love my body, my injured breast, my cellulite, my aging thighs, my wrinkles, my eyes, my bones, my fingernails...I love every little part of my body. And if you know anything about women, especially middle-aged women, that's a miracle.

My sweetheart, Ken, and me

To get back to Jeremy's book, I really recommend it. It's divided into seven sections, loosely based on the seven chakras. The first is Level One: Education and Information, in which he talks about the basic facts about cancer. Level Two is Connection with Others - we can't get through this alone. Level Three is The Body as Garden, and he discusses all sorts of adjunct holistic healing. In Level Four, Emotional Healing, is a very important one. In fact, Jeremy says, "not one single person has ever truly healed from cancer without undergoing a transformation and healing of their emotional self." Level Five is The Nature of Mind, in which concepts like "thought," "belief," "meaning," and "focus," are discussed. Level Six is Life Assessment, which asks the question, "What is the real meaning and purpose of my life?" And Level Seven is The Nature of Spirit, in which Jeremy has chosen the following quote to begin his chapter:

Whatever be the means adopted, you must at last return to the Self. So why not abide in the Self here and now?

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi (1879 - 1950)

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