Some Astro-Talk

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Aahhh, chemo.....fatigue, brain fog, loss of appetite, nausea, mouth sores, and lots of drugs that need other drugs to control their side effects. Need I say more? As I mentioned several postings back, I had to take a break from writing in my blog when the brain fog was at its worst. Now, there are some days that I can actually string more than three words together, so I try to get some writing in when I can.

I don't think it would be possible to get through times like these without a sense of the basic perfection of life. A while ago, when I looked at my astrology chart for the next two years, I knew I was in for an intense ride. It was a little freaky, and I did wonder if I would make it through whatever my challenge might be, but I also knew it was a direct message from my soul, and whatever was about to happen would be just what I needed in order to grow. For any interested astrology buffs, I'll post my chart here:

Just a few sentences in Astrologese: I am going through my second Saturn Return, which is the challenge to maturity on all levels, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Before transiting Saturn (a transit describes where the planet is right now in the sky in relationship to where it was the moment of your birth) actually touches my natal Saturn, it is passing through my twelfth house, where my sun is. In fact, it is directly conjunct my Sun, which means that it's having a very strong debilitating effect on my life force. So, the whole time I've been going through chemo, Saturn has been effecting me in this way. And as soon as I get off chemo - mid to late August, Saturn will finally leave my sun. This is the miracle of astrology. It describes in archetypal terms what is actually happening in our lives.

Another intense aspect is the square of Pluto to Saturn during my Saturn return. Pluto rules death and regeneration, but one never knows how literally to take the archetypal meanings. Death could mean death, as in this girl is toast, or it could mean metaphoric death that describes the death of my self-image, my self-identity, my youthful, unscarred body, an aspect of my femininity, etc. Pluto is a heavy dude, and astrologers know to be on the lookout for some sort of destruction while he is occupying a prominent place in a chart's transits.

A lot of people are afraid of astrology for a wide variety of reasons. Honestly, if I hadn't been studying my chart for thirty years, I would be much less aware of my patterns,  my karma, my challenges and my gifts. Astrology is a gift to us from forces of higher mind. It's a complex metaphysical science that offers up secret knowledge. And when I say secret, all I'm really talking about is secret to the limitations of the ego. Astrology reveals the soul's secrets, the plan for our life in an esoteric code that takes years to learn how to read. In order to open up to learning and understanding our own Astrology chart, we must be ready to hear the challenges set down by our soul when this lifetime was designed specifically for our greatest opportunity for growth. Remember, the wild, cosmic rides that we take in these bodies are completely perfect for each of us.

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The Whole Chemo Hair Thing

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

From the very beginning, I decided on a proactive strategy for the whole chemo hair thing. My sister and I went out and bought two wigs, and I started wearing them immediately. Covering my own hair every day put me in a different frame of mind. It was as if my own hair didn't even exist. The first time I wore a wig to Whole Foods, the vitamin guy said, "Well, you're having a good hair day!" I smiled and thanked him, and knew that losing my hair was going to be a non-issue. And I didn't buy into the typical way of thinking about wigs - instead of trying to match my own hair, I decided to get a collection of wigs that were all as different from each other as possible. When I got a wild red wig and a pixie platinum one, the fun with my clothes really started. I could wear all kinds of different color combinations that looked terrible with my brown hair. Also, I made up a personality for each wig, and named them. My friends never know who's going to answer the door.

I guess my point is that losing your hair doesn't have to be a devastating experience. The fun and silly part of me has a blast with the wigs, and the spiritual warrior part of me had my head shaving ritual. Here are some pictures, starting with the spiritual warrior chemo face without any penciled-in eyebrows or eyeliner or lipstick. 

Late middle-aged chemo face

Monique, the French boutique salesgirl

Marilyn, the ditz

Viva, the aging rock star wannabe

Irina, the Russian mob girl

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Spiritual Warrior

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

A spiritual warrior is someone who is attempting to wake up. He or she is seeking self-mastery - a fundamental fearlessness at their core. Trungpa Rinpoche, who wrote Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior, explains warriorship as a basic sense of unshakability, immovability and self-existing dignity. "By tapping into the natural source of radiance and brilliance in the world, which is the innate wakefulness of human beings, an enlightened society based on dignity, fearlessness and compassion arises." Rather than offer his or her warrior skills locked in battle with one group pitted against another, the spiritual warrior enters the battlefield of life with gentleness, courage and self-knowledge.

To become a spiritual warrior, we have to work on balancing and integrating mind and body, we have to awaken from habitual behaviors, use compassionate discipline, learn to deal with the world with an open heart and without fear, and be aware of the sacredness of daily life. The spiritual warrior seeks to shine with the light of peace and radiance for his or her own sake and for the sake of all others.

I Aspire to be one of the many Spiritual Warriors on our Sacred Planet

Of course, we all know the inevitable next step once someone declares their intention to become a spiritual warrior. The initiation. The test. The moment when our world turns upside down. All of the sudden, there's a rent in the fabric of our life. Reality loses its cohesion and we feel like we're floating upside down in a deep wormhole somewhere in space. I've had more than a handful of moments like those in my life, but I have to admit, breast cancer has them all beat. Pema Chodron, a student of Chogyam Trungpa's, speaks of these moments as being groundless. There are small groundless moments, like feeling embarrassed, off-center and insecure, and there are monster groundless moments, like your husband telling you he's leaving you for another woman, or like watching your child die in your arms, or like being told you have breast cancer. Pema also talks of groundlessness as moments of awe, wonder, or great beauty that just stop your mind.

Colliding Galaxies

To the universe, the awe-inspiring groundlessness of a cosmic event probably holds a bit more cosmic weight than the kind of groundlessness that throws us into a tailspin, but we sure know which matters more to us. We're going to be screaming, "NO! NOT THIS! STOP!" till our throats are raw. But that won't do us much good. According to Chodron,

A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not-knowing is part of the adventure, but it's also what makes us afraid...sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears. We can bring ourselves back to he spiritual path countless times every day simply by exercising our willingness to rest in the uncertainty of the present moment - over and over again.

To Chodron, the central question isn't "how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort." By staying with our pain instead of trying to escape it, we learn to soften into self-acceptance. Everyone must face uncertainty, but for people who have been touched by cancer, uncertainty is really in our face. But we can accept our situation without hardening into bitterness or blame, or without denying our vulnerability by escaping into spiritual inflation. Once again, I'm reminded of the word "surrender." We do our best, and then we let go and let God. By embracing the life of a spiritual warrior and surrendering to life's uncertainty, our hearts open and we have a chance to learn what freedom really is.

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Head Shaving Ritual

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These days, I hear of more and more women who are creating a sacred head shaving ritual instead of waking up to clumps of hair on their pillow or just standing in front of the bathroom mirror and shaving it all off. I knew that I wanted a ritual that expressed the power of the initiation I was about to endure, and I asked a friend of mine, Madhavi Shirman, who teaches ceremonial arts at the Star House in Boulder Co, to help me plan it.

Ria and Madhavi

Opening Invocation:

We gently invite the presence of Spiritual Source into this space, and ask Source to manifest within the following archetypal expressions: Warrior Goddess of Creation and Destruction, Kali, for the great good and healing of our sister Ria. We invite the Green Tara in all her Healing Glory and we invite Isis in her aspect of Powerful Resurrection. We call to our personal guides to light this evening with transformational love. We call to the alchemical elements of Mother Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Ether to quicken and enliven this space. We now weave and hold this space sacred.

Working with Sacred Sound

I set up an altar in our living room for the ritual, and empowered it with prayer, intention, sacred objects, candles, incense, flowers and offerings to the archetypal deities.

Lighting the Incense

The Altar

My Statement of Healing Intent:

I, Ria, intend to release all attachments that are hindering my healing and wholeness on the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels.

• In the spirit of this intention, I offer my hair and my breast as Sacred Wounds in sacrifice to Kali, the archetypal expression of transformation, and ask her to transform my body to the highest state of purity, health and wholeness.
• In the spirit of this intention, I offer flowers, butterflies, incense, fruit, music, fire and water to Green Tara, the archetypal expression of healing, and ask her to transform my body to the highest state of purity, health and wholeness.
• In the spirit of this intention, I offer to Isis, the archetypal expression of regeneration, my lifelong intention to remember my true nature, and to re-member my lost parts which had left me homesick for heaven, but which are now restored to me. Thank you, Isis, for gifting me with heaven on earth.

Anointing with Oils

Ria and Cha Cha

Closing Words of Ritual:

I am undergoing a level of spiritual transformation that I never thought possible. It is the death of who I thought I was and the birth of someone I have never known. I accept this death rebirth process, and I trust the chemotherapy that is supporting my body to stay alive within it. I welcome this medicine, and know that it will alchemize into healing salve within my body. This ritual is a vow to accept my shamanic journey, and live within this new, refined vibration that is being birthed within me. It's a consecration of my commitment to embody my higher self. It's an acknowledgement of the death of my old patterns that no longer serve me, and a commitment to my rebirth.

I'd like to read this poem by David Whyte:

The Opening of Eyes

That day I saw beneath dark clouds

The passing light over the water

And I heard the voice of the world speak out

I knew then as I have before

Life is no passing memory of what has been

Nor the remaining pages of a great book

Waiting to be read.

It is the opening of eyes long closed

It is the vision of far off things

Seen for the silence they hold

It is the heart after years of Secret conversing

Speaking out loud in the clear air.

It is Moses in the desert fallen to his knees

Before the lit bush

It is the man throwing away his shoes

As if to enter heaven and finding himself astonished

Opened at last

Fallen in love

With solid ground.

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My First Chemotherapy

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Once I made the decision to do chemotherapy, I knew that I had to radically change my attitude towards it. My first step was to thank Spirit for the opportunity to keep my body alive, and my second was to completely accept the drugs into my body. To accomplish this nearly impossible task, I had to perform a perfect 180 degree flip from old me to new me. Old me didn't believe in Western medicine because it had failed me in the past; new me was willing to give Western medicine another chance, and to go all the way, no holds barred. Whatever I had to deal with - puking, mouth sores, nausea, hair loss, sore throat, migraines, diarrhea, fevers, secondary infections, exhaustion, heart complications - I would accept and handle.

Jeremy Geffen, M.D.

In a private consultation I had with Dr. Jeremy Geffen, author of The Journey Through Cancer, Jeremy emphasized how important it is to resolve any doubts about doing chemo before you start. He deeply believes in the body-mind connection, and feels that holding a split attitude about chemo i.e. "it's a terrible poison but there's no other chance for me," can actually worsen the side effects and lessen the chance the chemo has to be effective. Here's a quote from Jeremy's book, p. 77:

As a patient, you must at some point find a way to suspend the unceasing activity of a doubing mind. This is not to suggest that you should abandon thinking or abdicate your sovereign right to know and understand what is happening to you. However if the doubting mind is left unchecked, it can seriously undermine the treatment process.

There is a strong field of fear surrounding chemotherapy because it has sometimes brought more suffering into the cancer patient's life. If a cancer patient makes the decision to do chemotherapy, I think it's imperative to dissolve that fear in the way that's right for each individual. Some people might pray to Jesus, some might use self-hypnosis, others might engage their will. Because working with archetypes comes so naturally to me, I do meditations, visualizations and active imagination sessions with the Medicine Buddha that have helped me to accept the chemotherapy as healing balm that flows from his medicine bowl into my body. And I also imagine the great protector Mahakala absorbing any excess chemo that might cause collateral damage.

Here I am at my first chemotherapy session. My sweetheart, Ken, and my dear friend Aubrey were with me, and they both videotaped the treatment. The syringe of red liquid that you see in the foreground is adriamycin, is a very potent chemo that's nicknamed "the red devil."

Me and my new friend, "the red devil"

The first time I heard that adriamycin is nicknamed "the red devil," I felt uneasy and frightened of it. Then I remembered that I used to love Red Devils candy when I was a kid. It was hot, spicy, and tasted like cinnamon. I decided to make a conscious association in my mind between Red Devils candy and Red Devil adriamycin, and it worked! It might sound silly, but my fear of adriamycin dissolved. In Jeremy's book, he talks about how important the meanings are that we assign to different words or events. He says that "if beliefs are the 'truths' we attach to ideas and experiences in the real world, meanings are the significance we give to those ideas and experiences." These are profound words that have the potential to change our lives. For example, here are two different meanings I can assign to having cancer. I can choose to fall into a deep depression and become convinced that I am being punished by God, or I can look at my cancer as an opportunity to learn, grow, help others, and learn how to love more fully.

Sweet Aubrey and me

And believe me, I am no Pollyanna. I've experienced plenty of depression, doubt, fear and anxiety in my life. But there is something about my having cancer that has rocked my boat so dramatically that whole handfuls of my beliefs about life have been uprooted. I truly have the feeling that anything is possible. Yes, I might die, but I also might live. Yes, I have a tumor but I also am learning how to dissolve it, and not just with the chemo. Love is dissolving it. I love myself more now than ever before in my life. I love my body, my injured breast, my cellulite, my aging thighs, my wrinkles, my eyes, my bones, my fingernails...I love every little part of my body. And if you know anything about women, especially middle-aged women, that's a miracle.

My sweetheart, Ken, and me

To get back to Jeremy's book, I really recommend it. It's divided into seven sections, loosely based on the seven chakras. The first is Level One: Education and Information, in which he talks about the basic facts about cancer. Level Two is Connection with Others - we can't get through this alone. Level Three is The Body as Garden, and he discusses all sorts of adjunct holistic healing. In Level Four, Emotional Healing, is a very important one. In fact, Jeremy says, "not one single person has ever truly healed from cancer without undergoing a transformation and healing of their emotional self." Level Five is The Nature of Mind, in which concepts like "thought," "belief," "meaning," and "focus," are discussed. Level Six is Life Assessment, which asks the question, "What is the real meaning and purpose of my life?" And Level Seven is The Nature of Spirit, in which Jeremy has chosen the following quote to begin his chapter:

Whatever be the means adopted, you must at last return to the Self. So why not abide in the Self here and now?

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi (1879 - 1950)

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Haircut

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So now it was time to deal with my hair. Actually, I had been dealing with my hair in an unusual way for at least a month previous to getting any chemotherapy. I bought two wigs, and wore them faithfully every day even when I had my full head of hair. I have kind of skinny, thin hair anyway, and it was fun to get used to wearing these cool wigs before I started losing my hair. It made the whole process easier for me.

The last thing I wanted to experience, on top of my other traumas, was waking up to hanks of hair on my pillow once I started chemo, so I decided to create a special event that represented the initiation I am going through. I planned a head shaving ritual with thirty of my women friends and a few honorary males, and every single one of them said they would come. I felt very honored.

I needed to cut off most of my hair before the ritual so the shaving would be quick and easy. Here are a few pictures of me going at it in my bathroom.

A little hesitant

Braver

Almost there

Ready to shave!

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Remember

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Isis, Egyptian Goddess

So, my question was, Why Isis? Why is she showing up inside my head when I had plenty of other gods, goddesses, angels, etcetera to work with? I became very curious about the history of Isis, and did a little research. The first written records about her appear about 2,500 B.C. She was the ideal mother, wife, matron of nature and magic, and she was everybody's friend - slave, sinner, artisan, downtrodden, as well as the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers. Isis is the goddess of motherhood and fertility. Her greatest feat was raising her husband Osiris from the dead after Set, Osiris' brother, whose is also named Chaos, had murdered him and scattered his body parts in the desert. The story of Isis and Set is just one of many resurrection stories of different gods and goddesses that appear in countless traditions, but I guess it's the one for me. When I read that Isis has the power to resurrect the dead, I realized that was why she had arisen from my unconscious and attracted my attention. I am going through a death and rebirth process, and the archetype of Isis is a mythic resource for my own resurrection. In her hand, she holds the ankh, the symbol of eternal life.

Isis holding an ankh

Devi and I did a session centered around the appearance of Isis. She asked me to summon her from my unconscious, and ask her what word or words she had to say to me. Immediately, I saw a word appear in my mind in big, capital letters: REMEMBER. I realized that here are several different meanings this word holds for me:

1. Remember who you really are.
2. Remember to gather all your scattered parts.
3. Remember to re-member your gathered parts.
   
4. Remember to let go of what you no longer need.
5. Remember to integrate what was with what is with what will be.

I have been working to re-member all of the different stories from my other lives, or if you prefer, alternate realities, that have arisen from my unconscious. I almost feel like a karmic janitor, searching out pieces of myself that are ready to be purified, released and integrated in the perfectly appropriate way.

Ancient Temple of Isis

This is one of many ancient temples of Isis scattered over Egypt. I find it very interesting that I have been visualizing a temple like this one for many months as I do my inner journeys and meditations. Beautiful, isn't it? The only difference between this one and the one I visit in meditation is that my temple on the inner planes is made of white light.

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A Fifth Archetype

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

So far, four archetypal deities had come together to create my supportive spiritual family. As I was getting acquainted with Green Tara, Kali, Medicine Buddha and Mahakala, I decided I needed a picture or statue of each one to put on my altar. But what I didn't know was that there was a fifth being waiting in the wings, and I found her the day I had a session with a gifted shamanic energy worker named Douglas Brady. On that day, to quote my diary: "I reached a place of love and light with Douglas that knocked my socks off."

Douglas Brady

Here is a quote from Douglas' website, www.sourcingyoursoul.net

Welcome to my practice of psychotherapy and healing. I am a body-mind centered psychotherapist and healer. For thirty years I have lived, practiced, taught, and facilitated the understanding of how our personal story and the resultant core patterns, belief systems and unresolved emotions directly impact our physiology and create our physical and psychological symptoms. My work is cutting edge. The techniques I use along with a highly developed intuition allow me to access your core disowned selves and energies that are the root cause of your symptoms. My work allows for the integration and healing of these unconscious forces and awakens you to your true potential and the gifts that live within you. You will feel connected to yourself and all of life again.

Our session began with a discussion of what I've always described as my secret wish to go home because I can't tolerate all the suffering on earth. I have this false belief that says if there is suffering on earth, I must take it on in order to somehow "help." Of course, Howard Bad Hand pointed out that my taking on others' pain does nothing but hurt me, and I was still trying to let go of that bad habit. Douglas and I explored my ability to feel pleasure, and how I decline to feel pleasure as long as there are beings suffering. When we were finally able to isolate the part of me that didn't suffer for others, Douglas asked how I felt, and I said, "Callous." Then I realized that my tumor was functioning as a callous, hardening my heart so I wouldn't feel the pain and suffering of the world. That realization gave me insight into my cancer along with tender compassion for the sad irony of my situation - although I thought that my tumor-callous was protecting my heart from pain, in reality, I had chosen to let suffering fester so close to my heart that it had almost killed me.

It struck me that the protection systems we create through our unconscious complexes are so inadequate and childlike compared to summoning what it takes to live courageously in each moment, deal with our fears as they come up, and release them when we realize they don't serve us.

Douglas asked me to send my awareness inside my tumor, and it felt like red jello. Then he asked me to go to the center of the red jello, and I found a smooth rock with a maze of holes in it...like a rock exposed to trickles of water for eons. I explored the maze of tunnels inside the rock, and then Douglas asked me to go to the very center of the rock. All of the sudden, I was in the center of a hologram of light, a gemlike geometric pattern with radiant lines of light extending in beautiful, orderly lines. It was very complex and extremely beautiful. Douglas whispered that I was in Source. I felt awe and astonishment, and I suddenly felt the presence of a being visiting me. She was tall, white, and she had wings, and she told me her name was Isis.

Angel Isis

I felt a re-patterning happening in my entire being. Douglas said that this entity was creating a resonance of her energy within me. He discussed my core issue about the separation between heaven and earth coming to resolution here in my heart. The Source energy in my heart is heaven on earth. There is no more polarity, no more paradox. He talked about Eva Pierokas' theories on the pleasure principle - that our basic nature is one of pleasure, but when we get thwarted when we're little, we learn to create negative pleasure and eventually that's what we settle for. An example of negative pleasure is when a little kid's parents aren't paying attention to her, and she starts bugging them until they yell at her. The yelling is a negative pleasure...it sucks, but at least they're paying attention to her. He said that I have a strong capacity for pleasure, and that it's very important to model the experience of pleasure and joy for others. It's a way of healing the world.

The Angel Isis was a hologram of light, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And right before the session ended, I saw myself kneeling in front of a huge statue of Isis, the Egyptian goddess. My connection with the angel Isis was connected to a memory of being a priestess to the Egyptian goddess Isis. This was my first contact with Egyptian mythology in my shamanic inner work, and I had some investigating to do.

Isis, the Egyptian Goddess

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Mahakala

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

The next Tibetan Buddhist deity who appeared to me is Mahakala, a wrathful protector who promised to help me endure the hellish effects of chemotherapy. He appears like a demon, but he functions as a protector, and his purpose is to help us overcome obstacles on the path to enlightenment. He is a hulking god with flaming hair and a crown of skulls, and he is surrounded by fire. His domain is the Void of Timelessness, and he is fierce in order to protect all beings from evil. The five skulls he wears in a crown signify his transformation of the five faults or kleshas into the five wisdoms. He doesn't have much tolerance for delusion, greed, ignorance, rage, and other passions, and with him around, we don't tend to get as caught in these illusions because Mahakala grabs them up and dissolves them into the Great Void.

Mahakala

When he appeared in my active imagination work, I sort of tiptoed around him at first. Then I did a little research to see who I was dealing with, and when I read that he transformed kleshas into wisdom, I opened right up to him. I talk to him like he's a great-uncle - politely, but with appreciative affection. In my inner work with Mahakala, I often ask him to cleanse me of my kleshas. He lumbers over to stand in front of me, and suddenly all these stuff flies out of me into him, where it immediately disappears into the void. The stuff is made of all kinds of things...smoke, little holographic memories, pieces of my tumors, blobs of red anger, or feelings of despair. But once they hit him, they are gone forever. I've tried stepping into Mahakala's body to look for them, but all I've found there is the Great Silent Void. I still haven't figured out how my awareness can even exist within the Void; the world of active imagination can definitely lead us into paradoxical, inexplicable, mysterious moments.

I have asked Mahakala to enter my body when I attend each chemo session, and to absorb and dissolve all of the poisons in the drug that my body doesn't need. He acknowledged that he will be happy to oblige, and I can imagine myself palpably feeling his huge body extending out from my own as I walk into the infusion room and the nurse plugs my sacred chemotherapy elixirs into my blood.

The roots of Tibetan Buddhism are said to be tied into Tantric Hinduism along with the ancient, animistic Bon religion of pre-Buddhist Tibet. In those cross-over times, Kali was said to be the sister of Mahakala, and they both ruled over non-linear, spiraling time that permeates the Void together. Knowledge about huge archetypal powers such as what these two deities represent gives us the opportunity to tap into universal patterns of energy that can help us change our consciousness, and that of the entire world.

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Medicine Buddha

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Even before I knew that I had breast cancer, I had felt ill for months, and when I saw a film from Netflix called The Knowledge of Healing, I knew intuitively that I wanted to be treated by a Tibetan amchi, or physician. All Tibetan amchis are connected to a Tibetan deity named the Medicine Buddha.

His radiant body is azure blue. His left hand is in the meditation mudra and holds a begging bowl full of long life nectar in his lap. As a sign that he gives protection from illness, his right hand is outstretched in the gesture of giving and holds the "great medicine", the myrobalan plant." Men-Tse-Khang

Medicine Buddha

Tibetan medicine recognizes three basic types of illness, the root causes of which are the conflicting emotions - passion, aggression and ignorance. Myrobalan is the herb in the Tibetan pharmacopoeia that can aid in healing each of these three types of diseases. This is like the action of the Buddha of Healing, who has the power to see the true cause of any affliction, whether spiritual, physical or psychological, and who does whatever is necessary to alleviate it. Ven. Thrangu Rinpoche

The Medicine Buddha is one of the five deities I have placed on my meditation shrine. Each morning, I thank the archetype for the precious medicines I have been sent for my healing, and I always make sure to include my chemotherapy as part of those healing elixirs. Then I visualize myself merging into the Medicine Buddha as he relieves the suffering of all beings and radiates compassion to all. I also recite the Medicine Buddha mantra, Tayata Om Bheganze Bheganze Maha Bheganze Radze Samudgate Soha. Although I don't consider myself a Tibetan Buddhist, I find great comfort in aligning myself with such powerful archetypal patterns and practices.

The Tibetan medicine that I get from my Tibetan amchi (physician) comes directly from the Dalai Lama's pharmacy in Dharamsala, where the herbal formulae are handmade according to centuries' old recipes. Amchi's herbs have alleviated intense burning pain related to the cancer that I have been suffering for many months, along with several other problems. When he takes my pulses and looks at my urine he has amazingly perceptive insight into what is going on inside my body. And when I begin chemo, Amchi tells me that his herbs will help my organs deal with the harmful effects of chemotherapy. I'm incredibly blessed to have a gifted Tibetan amchi treating me.

I would love to hear from you. To leave a comment about this posting, scroll down and type inside the white box below the heading, POST A COMMENT. Underneath the white box, it says Comment as: with a white bar that says Ria Moran (Google). Click the arrows on the right and a dropdown menu will appear. Choose name/URL and type in your name. The URL is not necessary. Or, if you wish, you may choose to leave a comment anonymously. Then click Post Comment in the next white box and your comment will be published. Thank you!

Kali

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

The appointment for my first chemo session was quickly approaching, and I wanted to be prepared for it on every level. Physically, I have been working with a homeopath and a Tibetan amchi (physician), and they are both doing a great job of strengthening my organs so that my body can accept and integrate such powerful substances into my system. Emotionally and mentally, I have been working with Devi and Scott to release old patterns and transform my consciousness. And spiritually, I've developed my own particular meditation practice that focuses on healing and unifying my body, heart, mind and spirit. In addition to the Green Tara, several other archetypes appeared to me as I was developing this practice, and in my own active imagination sessions, I communicated with them and learned what they had to offer me.

The first, and the most frightening, is Kali, the Hindu goddess of death and transformation. She is the most demanding goddess of the Hindu pantheon, and there's no getting around some sort of sacrifice and transformation when she arises from the collective unconscious to pay us a visit.

Kali

She wears a necklace of skulls and carries a scythe to cut off whatever part of us she demands in sacrifice. If we fight against her, we inevitably lose, and fall into bitterness and despair. But if we willingly offer what she demands, we enter into a relationship with her in which she aids our transformation. To sacrifice means to make holy, and by offering what must be given up with an open, accepting heart, we transform our loss into a Sacred Wound.

Jan Goldstein, author of the wonderful book, Sacred Wounds, lists the following signposts within our pain that can allow us to transform a wound into a Sacred Wound:

• The need to drop our illusions of a perfect life
• The recognition that we have the capacity for joy and can embrace it more fully after having been wounded
• The ability to see clearly what is meaningful in life
• The desire to express appreciation for the wonder all around us
• The importance of living in the present.

It is always a great challenge to transform a wound into a Sacred Wound. Every type of wound offers its own unique set of circumstances that has been offered to us by our soul in order to learn, grow and transform. As I am discovering, the challenges of breast cancer extend beyond the physical disease itself. Any woman diagnosed with breast cancer faces a type of disfigurement that can deeply impact her sense of her own beauty, her femininity, her self-image, and her self worth. The way I see it, transforming this disfigurement into a Sacred Wound is the only way through the horror of the experience. The archetype of Kali is here to remind us that our body is an ephemeral home, and we are all subject to its degradation and ultimate destruction. It's her job to wake us up to the fact that we are spiritual beings only temporarily ensouled in matter. For most of us, a brush with death comes as quite a shock. Death and loss go together, and that same shock comes upon us when we lose someone dear to us, go through a divorce, lose our life savings, lose a home...the list goes on. This is all the domain of Kali. A journey through Kaliland is the last thing any of us wants, but it is a journey that we will all be taking one way or another. There's no getting away from it. It's a blueprint built into life on Earth. So my philosophy is to dive into the center of the hurricane - to relax into the eye of the storm, open our senses, and listen to what our soul is trying to tell us.

Every morning in meditation, I release my attachment to the beauty and form of my body that I have known so intimately my whole life, and I let go, I die into the process of transformation. I surrender my breast to Kali, thank her for the soul growth I am experiencing, and then I imagine my rebirth into my new post-cancer body. For me, working with archetypes such as Kali helps me to organize and define the deeply transformative forces at play in my life. I'm doing my best to understand how this demand for my sacrifice came about, and to access the most wisdom from my healing journey as I am able. And I hope that by sharing my process, I will inspire others to do the same.

For most women with breast cancer, a mastectomy is the first step, followed by chemo and radiation. My case is a little different because the tumor is attached to my muscle, so I will be undergoing chemo to shrink the tumor before my mastectomy and radiation. Chemotherapy is sort of like sipping on a Kali cocktail - it's a paradoxical elixir that can harm us as it helps us. There is one very special gift that Kali gave me in one of my meditations, and that will help me to deal with the trials ahead of me. It is a drop of her immutable, indestructible blood to strengthen my body and carry me through my transformation. And to help me deal with the side effects of chemo, I am receiving help from two other archetypes, Tibetan deities who I will describe in my next entry.

I'd like to share a poem I wrote about my experience of Kali:

Kali

Darkness

claws at

my heart,

its steady,

pink throbbing

hunted by Kali,

Queen of Death.

With wings of fire

and eyes like rubies,

her wolves feast nightly

at my breast.

Too starved to suckle,

their teeth tear

wildly through

my flesh.

O Mother,

Mistress of Chaos,

I surrender to you

this plain tabernacle

of dust and sweat.

My skull is yours

to pick clean

and polish

until it is worthy

to hang around

your neck.

I would love to hear from you. To leave a comment about this posting, scroll down and type inside the white box below the heading, POST A COMMENT. Underneath the white box, it says Comment as: with a white bar that says Ria Moran (Google). Click the arrows on the right and a dropdown menu will appear. Choose name/URL and type in your name. The URL is not necessary. Or, if you wish, you may choose to leave a comment anonymously. Then click Post Comment in the next white box and your comment will be published. Thank you!