Basic Goodness

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As the day of my mastectomy approaches, I have been working with my fear of going through this surgery and I've picked up the book Shambhala: The Way of the Warrior to give me insight in developing the fearlessness of the spiritual warrior. Chogyam Trungpa says that warriorship begins with the experience of the basic goodness of life. These are quiet, simple moments, like noticing a bright color, hearing a beautiful sound, or smelling the vibrant air after a rainshower. Trungpa says we should take notice of these moments to awaken us to our own dignity and beauty.

I struggle with losing awareness of my own beauty and judging myself because I developed cancer. There's a little demon running around in my mind that says, "You are a real fuck-up. Look at what you're putting everybody through - all the worry, and the expense. With all the work you've done on yourself, you can't even figure out how to stay healthy. You're nothing but a failure."

I experience these thoughts as toxic, and when they surface, I work with them. Instead of trying to force destructive thoughts from my consciousness, I focus on opening my heart to my vulnerability and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can with my life. Trungpa says,

A great deal of chaos in the world occurs because people don't appreciate themselves. Having never developed sympathy or gentleness towards themselves, they cannot experience harmony or peace within themselves, and therefore, what they project to others is inharmonious and confused.

I believe that the inharmonious and confused energy that he's talking about is part of what creates the cancer pattern. When I meditate, I work to dissolve this self-rejection and locate what Trunga calls basic goodness inside. It's always there...I always find it. I find a way to love the difficult parts of myself, and this is basic to practicing spiritual warriorship. According to Chogyam Trungpa,

When you don't punish or condemn yourself, when you relax more and appreciate your body and mind, you begin to contact the fundamental notion of basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important to be willing to be open to yourself. Developing tenderness towards yourself allows you to see both your problems and your potential accurately. You don't feel that you have to ignore your problems or exaggerate your potential. This kind of gentleness towards yourself and appreciation of yourself is very necessary. It provides the ground for helping yourself and others.

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