Mastectomy

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

In the process of treating cancer, there are times when the body suffers, emotions ride a roller coaster and words vanish from the mind. These are times when even prayer, meditation and the solace of loved ones can't ease the ache in our heart. But I'm here to say that those times pass, and when our life force begins to strengthen, our connection with Source comes alive once again. I finally have the inspiration and strength to continue my blog, and I'll start with the practical details.

My last blog entry was in August, just before I went to New York to stay with my sister and undergo a mastectomy at the Ashikari Breast Center in Dobbs Ferry, New York. The chemotherapy exacerbated some other chronic health issues, so going through surgery only six weeks after finishing chemo was exhausting. Then I started a series of 33 radiation treatments in November. So far, the only noticeable side effects from that have been sunburn and an itchy rash.

The mastectomy has left me with limited range of motion in my left arm. I'm working with a wonderful physical therapist, but I'm finding that I have to take it slowly with the stretching exercises, or my tendons, muscles and nerves get inflamed. Working with Trudy Turvey of Healthlinks Clinic in Boulder has been very nourishing on many levels. She is very dedicated to her work with breast cancer patients, and is a compassionate, loving person. During our sessions, we have deeply inspirational conversations about the breast cancer experience, and I leave her presence feeling seen and honored for my efforts towards physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health.

Trudy Turvey

During the course of my treatment this year, I have grown completely accustomed to stripping off my top and bra and exposing my breasts for a clinician to stare, prod, massage, irradiate...whatever. The breast itself is quite numb, and that is definitely a bizarre sensation that will take me a while to get used to. I have four surgical scars on my body. One on my left breast, one underneath my right breast where an implant was inserted so that my two breasts would look more like a matched set, one under my left arm where lymph nodes were removed, and one on my chest above my right breast where my chemo port had been inserted. When I look in the mirror, my reflection shows indelible marks of what I have endured. My injuries and scars are so over the top that I've been forced to transcend my ego identity and develop a self-image based on deeper, more soulful values, and although my body is battered, I love and accept it more than I ever have.

I would love to hear from you. To leave a comment about this posting, scroll down and type inside the white box below the heading, POST A COMMENT. Underneath the white box, it says Comment as: with a white bar that says Ria Moran (Google). Click the arrows on the right and a dropdown menu will appear. Choose name/URL and type in your name. The URL is not necessary. Or, if you wish, you may choose to leave a comment anonymously. Then click Post Comment in the next white box and your comment will be published. Thank you!

Letting the Angels Back In

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

This is one of my favorite poems by Rumi. It reminds me of the weightless invisibility of the tender heart that Chogyam Trungpa writes about.

Stop the words now.

Open the window

in the center of your chest

and let the spirits fly in and out.

                                       Rumi

Poetry, music and art can express the numinous regions of soul that we all feel but that are so difficult to describe in ordinary language. My motivation to write poetry comes from a need to express my pain, my despair and my immutable faith. I feel it's very important to acknowledge the transcendent, spiritual side of being seriously ill, but it's also crucial to express its shadow sides. I tend to be very hard on myself, expecting nothing less than perfection. The polarity of perfection and imperfection is really the polarity of spirit and matter. By accepting imperfection, we accept matter, we accept the grit that comes along with the grace. I write poems to express the struggle of this paradoxical situation we're all in. I hope you are touched by this poem, which was written after a particularly difficult chemo day, when I was struggling to find the solace of spirit.

Letting the Angels Back In

Letting the angels back in

to breathe light into the

closed chambers of my heart,

this rank dungeon, this

frightened tenderness of flesh.

Letting the angels back in 

to dissolve the cage

of persecution, its bars

adorned with thorny

black roses that never forget.

Letting the angels back in

to forgive the stones of my sins,

my radiant, shattered vows,

my failure to flourish,

my betrayals of the

goddess Aphrodite.

Letting the angels back in

to raise a fallen queen,

her land in shambles,

her soldiers confused

and wildly hacking at no

particular thing.

Letting the angels back in

to lead me beyond this 

fortress of grief into

a meadow of freedom,

a place where there 

is no impossible, where

photons entangle and 

birth universes.

Letting the angels back in

to anoint my feet, to kiss my hand,

to show me my body of

crystalline light.

Letting the angels back in,

angels too kind to disown 

a woman for often casting them out.

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The Heart of the Spiritual Warrior

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

A spiritual warrior isn't like the image that comes to mind when we think of someone who's trained for combat. Typically, we think of warriors as tough, hard-hearted, aggressive, and dominant. We all know about basic training, and how hard the drill sergeants have to work to try and drive these qualities into their recruits. That's because people are basically rooted in soul qualities that motivate them to help others instead of hurt them. Underneath our woundings and societal pressures, we are all basically seeking to express love and help others. Becoming a spiritual warrior is like peeling off unhealthy emotional layers until we reach the awakened heart, what the Buddhists call bodhicitta. Awakened heart is the willingness to be with ourselves in our most raw, vulnerable state.

Meditation is the best tool we have available to find our awakened heart, because by learning to ignore all of our excuses about how we can't connect inside, our awareness opens and we suddenly connect inside! And when we connect inside, what do we find? Chogyam says, If you search for awakened heart, if you put your hand through your rib cage and feel for it, there is nothing there except for tenderness.

In the moments I have glimpsed this kind of tenderness, I've also felt pierced by the state of humanity. In the place where my heart should be, I have felt raw and exposed to my partner Ken's pain, or to my sister's, or to my neighbor's, or to the people suffering in Afghanistan, or Darfur. But I don't feel cornered by their pain, or trapped in it. I feel love for them, and love for the frailty of the human condition. We are all such fragile creatures who toughen ourselves over our wounds so we don't have to feel pain. But then the toxic pain gets stuck beneath these tough calluses, and our bodies enter a diseased state, whether emotional, mental, or physical. We need to keep flushing poisons out of our system all the time in order to stay healthy on every level. The fate of our heart is in our own hands. It is up to us to clean out our hatred, jealousy, envy, regret, revenge, rage, greed, and the list goes on.

Trungpa says that the experience of the open, tender heart gives rise to fearlessness; not the type of fearlessness of somebody with iron biceps who's ready to take on an attacker, but the type of fearlessness that gives us the courage to be open to whatever life offers. This kind of fearlessness takes us to a place beyond fear, to acceptance. Acceptance is based on inner strength that comes from the soul, and it is the homeground of the spiritual warrior. The opposite of this kind of fearlessness is to live life in a kind of sleepy trance in which we ignore our own shadowy qualities, and we try not to think of any kind of change at all; in fact, we try as hard as we can to keep things the same so we feel safe, no matter how bad that safety might really, truly feel.

My cancer has forced me to choose the path of the spiritual warrior, and I don't know if I would have done it willingly. So many people talk about the spiritual gifts that come along with the suffering of cancer, and for me, that couldn't be more true.

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Basic Goodness

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

As the day of my mastectomy approaches, I have been working with my fear of going through this surgery and I've picked up the book Shambhala: The Way of the Warrior to give me insight in developing the fearlessness of the spiritual warrior. Chogyam Trungpa says that warriorship begins with the experience of the basic goodness of life. These are quiet, simple moments, like noticing a bright color, hearing a beautiful sound, or smelling the vibrant air after a rainshower. Trungpa says we should take notice of these moments to awaken us to our own dignity and beauty.

I struggle with losing awareness of my own beauty and judging myself because I developed cancer. There's a little demon running around in my mind that says, "You are a real fuck-up. Look at what you're putting everybody through - all the worry, and the expense. With all the work you've done on yourself, you can't even figure out how to stay healthy. You're nothing but a failure."

I experience these thoughts as toxic, and when they surface, I work with them. Instead of trying to force destructive thoughts from my consciousness, I focus on opening my heart to my vulnerability and acknowledge that I'm doing the best I can with my life. Trungpa says,

A great deal of chaos in the world occurs because people don't appreciate themselves. Having never developed sympathy or gentleness towards themselves, they cannot experience harmony or peace within themselves, and therefore, what they project to others is inharmonious and confused.

I believe that the inharmonious and confused energy that he's talking about is part of what creates the cancer pattern. When I meditate, I work to dissolve this self-rejection and locate what Trunga calls basic goodness inside. It's always there...I always find it. I find a way to love the difficult parts of myself, and this is basic to practicing spiritual warriorship. According to Chogyam Trungpa,

When you don't punish or condemn yourself, when you relax more and appreciate your body and mind, you begin to contact the fundamental notion of basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important to be willing to be open to yourself. Developing tenderness towards yourself allows you to see both your problems and your potential accurately. You don't feel that you have to ignore your problems or exaggerate your potential. This kind of gentleness towards yourself and appreciation of yourself is very necessary. It provides the ground for helping yourself and others.

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Beauty

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

There are plenty of days when I really have to work it to get my spirits up. I have a beautiful altar with images and statues of all five of the archetypal deities I'm working with right now: Green Tara, Kali, Isis, Mahakala and the Medicine Buddha. Every morning, I light candles and incense, ring my Tibetan bell, and settle into a self-healing active imagination session followed by a meditation in which I follow my breath and notice thoughts floating by. I experience inner beauty during these times that deeply inspires me, and gets me through tough days.

Here's a picture of my altar. When I'm not sitting in meditation, my bunny meditates for me.

If I didn't connect in to Spirit every day, I'd be in pretty bad shape, considering what I've already been through and what I'm facing. There are so many ways to connect in, and I know that this is just my way. My partner, Ken, connects in through nature. He goes on walks every day and communes with Spirit through the powerful beauty of the elements. I strongly feel that when we connect in with beauty on the earth plane, we directly connect in with Spirit. John O'Donohue in his masterful work, Beauty, The Invisible Embrace, puts it this way: 

The human soul is hungry for beauty; we seek it everywhere - in landscape, music, art, clothes, furniture, gardening, companionship, love, religion and in ourselves. No one would desire not to be beautiful. When we experience the Beautiful, there is a sense of homecoming. Some of our most wonderful memories are of beautiful places where we felt immediately at home. We feel most alive in the presence of the Beautiful for it meets the needs of our soul. For a while the strains of struggle and endurance are relieved and our frailty is illuminated by a different light in which we come to glimpse behind the shudder of appearances the sure form of things. In the experience of beauty we awaken and surrender in the same act. Beauty brings a sense of completion and sureness. Without any of the usual calculation, we can slip into the Beautiful with the same ease as we slip into the seamless embrace of water; something ancient within us already trusts that this embrace will hold us.

Our Planet of Beauty

I believe that there is a primordial order to the universe that is larger than its expressions of chaos. Cancer might be considered an expression of universal chaos, and I find myself challenged to find the underlying order that would lend meaning to the experience of these chaotic cells that seem to have lost their way. I find that by holding the entire experience of having cancer within a framework of reverence and meaning, I am led to an experience of the ultimate beauty of life. The breast that I never liked in the first place because I thought it was too small is now beautiful to me in its dying moments. Ironically, it had to become a sacred wound before I could love it. We women are so tough on ourselves. Our breasts are too small, our hips are too big, our hair is too thin...the list is never-ending. 

It is time, right now, to accept ourselves just as we are, to stop being picky-picky and be appreciative of our divine beauty. To quote John O'Donahue, Beauty is ultimately an elegant, inner luminosity bestowed by the soul. Seeing beauty is glimpsing the soul. Learning to love ourselves and to appreciate out divine beauty is the path to loving others in their innate divinity, and to loving life with all its warts, tumors and heartache.

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Some Astro-Talk

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Aahhh, chemo.....fatigue, brain fog, loss of appetite, nausea, mouth sores, and lots of drugs that need other drugs to control their side effects. Need I say more? As I mentioned several postings back, I had to take a break from writing in my blog when the brain fog was at its worst. Now, there are some days that I can actually string more than three words together, so I try to get some writing in when I can.

I don't think it would be possible to get through times like these without a sense of the basic perfection of life. A while ago, when I looked at my astrology chart for the next two years, I knew I was in for an intense ride. It was a little freaky, and I did wonder if I would make it through whatever my challenge might be, but I also knew it was a direct message from my soul, and whatever was about to happen would be just what I needed in order to grow. For any interested astrology buffs, I'll post my chart here:

Just a few sentences in Astrologese: I am going through my second Saturn Return, which is the challenge to maturity on all levels, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Before transiting Saturn (a transit describes where the planet is right now in the sky in relationship to where it was the moment of your birth) actually touches my natal Saturn, it is passing through my twelfth house, where my sun is. In fact, it is directly conjunct my Sun, which means that it's having a very strong debilitating effect on my life force. So, the whole time I've been going through chemo, Saturn has been effecting me in this way. And as soon as I get off chemo - mid to late August, Saturn will finally leave my sun. This is the miracle of astrology. It describes in archetypal terms what is actually happening in our lives.

Another intense aspect is the square of Pluto to Saturn during my Saturn return. Pluto rules death and regeneration, but one never knows how literally to take the archetypal meanings. Death could mean death, as in this girl is toast, or it could mean metaphoric death that describes the death of my self-image, my self-identity, my youthful, unscarred body, an aspect of my femininity, etc. Pluto is a heavy dude, and astrologers know to be on the lookout for some sort of destruction while he is occupying a prominent place in a chart's transits.

A lot of people are afraid of astrology for a wide variety of reasons. Honestly, if I hadn't been studying my chart for thirty years, I would be much less aware of my patterns,  my karma, my challenges and my gifts. Astrology is a gift to us from forces of higher mind. It's a complex metaphysical science that offers up secret knowledge. And when I say secret, all I'm really talking about is secret to the limitations of the ego. Astrology reveals the soul's secrets, the plan for our life in an esoteric code that takes years to learn how to read. In order to open up to learning and understanding our own Astrology chart, we must be ready to hear the challenges set down by our soul when this lifetime was designed specifically for our greatest opportunity for growth. Remember, the wild, cosmic rides that we take in these bodies are completely perfect for each of us.

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The Whole Chemo Hair Thing

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

From the very beginning, I decided on a proactive strategy for the whole chemo hair thing. My sister and I went out and bought two wigs, and I started wearing them immediately. Covering my own hair every day put me in a different frame of mind. It was as if my own hair didn't even exist. The first time I wore a wig to Whole Foods, the vitamin guy said, "Well, you're having a good hair day!" I smiled and thanked him, and knew that losing my hair was going to be a non-issue. And I didn't buy into the typical way of thinking about wigs - instead of trying to match my own hair, I decided to get a collection of wigs that were all as different from each other as possible. When I got a wild red wig and a pixie platinum one, the fun with my clothes really started. I could wear all kinds of different color combinations that looked terrible with my brown hair. Also, I made up a personality for each wig, and named them. My friends never know who's going to answer the door.

I guess my point is that losing your hair doesn't have to be a devastating experience. The fun and silly part of me has a blast with the wigs, and the spiritual warrior part of me had my head shaving ritual. Here are some pictures, starting with the spiritual warrior chemo face without any penciled-in eyebrows or eyeliner or lipstick. 

Late middle-aged chemo face

Monique, the French boutique salesgirl

Marilyn, the ditz

Viva, the aging rock star wannabe

Irina, the Russian mob girl

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Spiritual Warrior

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

A spiritual warrior is someone who is attempting to wake up. He or she is seeking self-mastery - a fundamental fearlessness at their core. Trungpa Rinpoche, who wrote Shambhala: Sacred Path of the Warrior, explains warriorship as a basic sense of unshakability, immovability and self-existing dignity. "By tapping into the natural source of radiance and brilliance in the world, which is the innate wakefulness of human beings, an enlightened society based on dignity, fearlessness and compassion arises." Rather than offer his or her warrior skills locked in battle with one group pitted against another, the spiritual warrior enters the battlefield of life with gentleness, courage and self-knowledge.

To become a spiritual warrior, we have to work on balancing and integrating mind and body, we have to awaken from habitual behaviors, use compassionate discipline, learn to deal with the world with an open heart and without fear, and be aware of the sacredness of daily life. The spiritual warrior seeks to shine with the light of peace and radiance for his or her own sake and for the sake of all others.

I Aspire to be one of the many Spiritual Warriors on our Sacred Planet

Of course, we all know the inevitable next step once someone declares their intention to become a spiritual warrior. The initiation. The test. The moment when our world turns upside down. All of the sudden, there's a rent in the fabric of our life. Reality loses its cohesion and we feel like we're floating upside down in a deep wormhole somewhere in space. I've had more than a handful of moments like those in my life, but I have to admit, breast cancer has them all beat. Pema Chodron, a student of Chogyam Trungpa's, speaks of these moments as being groundless. There are small groundless moments, like feeling embarrassed, off-center and insecure, and there are monster groundless moments, like your husband telling you he's leaving you for another woman, or like watching your child die in your arms, or like being told you have breast cancer. Pema also talks of groundlessness as moments of awe, wonder, or great beauty that just stop your mind.

Colliding Galaxies

To the universe, the awe-inspiring groundlessness of a cosmic event probably holds a bit more cosmic weight than the kind of groundlessness that throws us into a tailspin, but we sure know which matters more to us. We're going to be screaming, "NO! NOT THIS! STOP!" till our throats are raw. But that won't do us much good. According to Chodron,

A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not-knowing is part of the adventure, but it's also what makes us afraid...sticking with uncertainty is how we learn to relax in the midst of chaos, how we learn to be cool when the ground beneath us suddenly disappears. We can bring ourselves back to he spiritual path countless times every day simply by exercising our willingness to rest in the uncertainty of the present moment - over and over again.

To Chodron, the central question isn't "how we avoid uncertainty and fear, but how we relate to discomfort." By staying with our pain instead of trying to escape it, we learn to soften into self-acceptance. Everyone must face uncertainty, but for people who have been touched by cancer, uncertainty is really in our face. But we can accept our situation without hardening into bitterness or blame, or without denying our vulnerability by escaping into spiritual inflation. Once again, I'm reminded of the word "surrender." We do our best, and then we let go and let God. By embracing the life of a spiritual warrior and surrendering to life's uncertainty, our hearts open and we have a chance to learn what freedom really is.

I would love to hear from you. To leave a comment about this posting, scroll down and type inside the white box below the heading, POST A COMMENT. Underneath the white box, it says Comment as: with a white bar that says Ria Moran (Google). Click the arrows on the right and a dropdown menu will appear. Choose name/URL and type in your name. The URL is not necessary. Or, if you wish, you may choose to leave a comment anonymously. Then click Post Comment in the next white box and your comment will be published. Thank you!

Head Shaving Ritual

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

These days, I hear of more and more women who are creating a sacred head shaving ritual instead of waking up to clumps of hair on their pillow or just standing in front of the bathroom mirror and shaving it all off. I knew that I wanted a ritual that expressed the power of the initiation I was about to endure, and I asked a friend of mine, Madhavi Shirman, who teaches ceremonial arts at the Star House in Boulder Co, to help me plan it.

Ria and Madhavi

Opening Invocation:

We gently invite the presence of Spiritual Source into this space, and ask Source to manifest within the following archetypal expressions: Warrior Goddess of Creation and Destruction, Kali, for the great good and healing of our sister Ria. We invite the Green Tara in all her Healing Glory and we invite Isis in her aspect of Powerful Resurrection. We call to our personal guides to light this evening with transformational love. We call to the alchemical elements of Mother Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Ether to quicken and enliven this space. We now weave and hold this space sacred.

Working with Sacred Sound

I set up an altar in our living room for the ritual, and empowered it with prayer, intention, sacred objects, candles, incense, flowers and offerings to the archetypal deities.

Lighting the Incense

The Altar

My Statement of Healing Intent:

I, Ria, intend to release all attachments that are hindering my healing and wholeness on the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels.

• In the spirit of this intention, I offer my hair and my breast as Sacred Wounds in sacrifice to Kali, the archetypal expression of transformation, and ask her to transform my body to the highest state of purity, health and wholeness.
• In the spirit of this intention, I offer flowers, butterflies, incense, fruit, music, fire and water to Green Tara, the archetypal expression of healing, and ask her to transform my body to the highest state of purity, health and wholeness.
• In the spirit of this intention, I offer to Isis, the archetypal expression of regeneration, my lifelong intention to remember my true nature, and to re-member my lost parts which had left me homesick for heaven, but which are now restored to me. Thank you, Isis, for gifting me with heaven on earth.

Anointing with Oils

Ria and Cha Cha

Closing Words of Ritual:

I am undergoing a level of spiritual transformation that I never thought possible. It is the death of who I thought I was and the birth of someone I have never known. I accept this death rebirth process, and I trust the chemotherapy that is supporting my body to stay alive within it. I welcome this medicine, and know that it will alchemize into healing salve within my body. This ritual is a vow to accept my shamanic journey, and live within this new, refined vibration that is being birthed within me. It's a consecration of my commitment to embody my higher self. It's an acknowledgement of the death of my old patterns that no longer serve me, and a commitment to my rebirth.

I'd like to read this poem by David Whyte:

The Opening of Eyes

That day I saw beneath dark clouds

The passing light over the water

And I heard the voice of the world speak out

I knew then as I have before

Life is no passing memory of what has been

Nor the remaining pages of a great book

Waiting to be read.

It is the opening of eyes long closed

It is the vision of far off things

Seen for the silence they hold

It is the heart after years of Secret conversing

Speaking out loud in the clear air.

It is Moses in the desert fallen to his knees

Before the lit bush

It is the man throwing away his shoes

As if to enter heaven and finding himself astonished

Opened at last

Fallen in love

With solid ground.

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My First Chemotherapy

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Once I made the decision to do chemotherapy, I knew that I had to radically change my attitude towards it. My first step was to thank Spirit for the opportunity to keep my body alive, and my second was to completely accept the drugs into my body. To accomplish this nearly impossible task, I had to perform a perfect 180 degree flip from old me to new me. Old me didn't believe in Western medicine because it had failed me in the past; new me was willing to give Western medicine another chance, and to go all the way, no holds barred. Whatever I had to deal with - puking, mouth sores, nausea, hair loss, sore throat, migraines, diarrhea, fevers, secondary infections, exhaustion, heart complications - I would accept and handle.

Jeremy Geffen, M.D.

In a private consultation I had with Dr. Jeremy Geffen, author of The Journey Through Cancer, Jeremy emphasized how important it is to resolve any doubts about doing chemo before you start. He deeply believes in the body-mind connection, and feels that holding a split attitude about chemo i.e. "it's a terrible poison but there's no other chance for me," can actually worsen the side effects and lessen the chance the chemo has to be effective. Here's a quote from Jeremy's book, p. 77:

As a patient, you must at some point find a way to suspend the unceasing activity of a doubing mind. This is not to suggest that you should abandon thinking or abdicate your sovereign right to know and understand what is happening to you. However if the doubting mind is left unchecked, it can seriously undermine the treatment process.

There is a strong field of fear surrounding chemotherapy because it has sometimes brought more suffering into the cancer patient's life. If a cancer patient makes the decision to do chemotherapy, I think it's imperative to dissolve that fear in the way that's right for each individual. Some people might pray to Jesus, some might use self-hypnosis, others might engage their will. Because working with archetypes comes so naturally to me, I do meditations, visualizations and active imagination sessions with the Medicine Buddha that have helped me to accept the chemotherapy as healing balm that flows from his medicine bowl into my body. And I also imagine the great protector Mahakala absorbing any excess chemo that might cause collateral damage.

Here I am at my first chemotherapy session. My sweetheart, Ken, and my dear friend Aubrey were with me, and they both videotaped the treatment. The syringe of red liquid that you see in the foreground is adriamycin, is a very potent chemo that's nicknamed "the red devil."

Me and my new friend, "the red devil"

The first time I heard that adriamycin is nicknamed "the red devil," I felt uneasy and frightened of it. Then I remembered that I used to love Red Devils candy when I was a kid. It was hot, spicy, and tasted like cinnamon. I decided to make a conscious association in my mind between Red Devils candy and Red Devil adriamycin, and it worked! It might sound silly, but my fear of adriamycin dissolved. In Jeremy's book, he talks about how important the meanings are that we assign to different words or events. He says that "if beliefs are the 'truths' we attach to ideas and experiences in the real world, meanings are the significance we give to those ideas and experiences." These are profound words that have the potential to change our lives. For example, here are two different meanings I can assign to having cancer. I can choose to fall into a deep depression and become convinced that I am being punished by God, or I can look at my cancer as an opportunity to learn, grow, help others, and learn how to love more fully.

Sweet Aubrey and me

And believe me, I am no Pollyanna. I've experienced plenty of depression, doubt, fear and anxiety in my life. But there is something about my having cancer that has rocked my boat so dramatically that whole handfuls of my beliefs about life have been uprooted. I truly have the feeling that anything is possible. Yes, I might die, but I also might live. Yes, I have a tumor but I also am learning how to dissolve it, and not just with the chemo. Love is dissolving it. I love myself more now than ever before in my life. I love my body, my injured breast, my cellulite, my aging thighs, my wrinkles, my eyes, my bones, my fingernails...I love every little part of my body. And if you know anything about women, especially middle-aged women, that's a miracle.

My sweetheart, Ken, and me

To get back to Jeremy's book, I really recommend it. It's divided into seven sections, loosely based on the seven chakras. The first is Level One: Education and Information, in which he talks about the basic facts about cancer. Level Two is Connection with Others - we can't get through this alone. Level Three is The Body as Garden, and he discusses all sorts of adjunct holistic healing. In Level Four, Emotional Healing, is a very important one. In fact, Jeremy says, "not one single person has ever truly healed from cancer without undergoing a transformation and healing of their emotional self." Level Five is The Nature of Mind, in which concepts like "thought," "belief," "meaning," and "focus," are discussed. Level Six is Life Assessment, which asks the question, "What is the real meaning and purpose of my life?" And Level Seven is The Nature of Spirit, in which Jeremy has chosen the following quote to begin his chapter:

Whatever be the means adopted, you must at last return to the Self. So why not abide in the Self here and now?

Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi (1879 - 1950)

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Haircut

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

So now it was time to deal with my hair. Actually, I had been dealing with my hair in an unusual way for at least a month previous to getting any chemotherapy. I bought two wigs, and wore them faithfully every day even when I had my full head of hair. I have kind of skinny, thin hair anyway, and it was fun to get used to wearing these cool wigs before I started losing my hair. It made the whole process easier for me.

The last thing I wanted to experience, on top of my other traumas, was waking up to hanks of hair on my pillow once I started chemo, so I decided to create a special event that represented the initiation I am going through. I planned a head shaving ritual with thirty of my women friends and a few honorary males, and every single one of them said they would come. I felt very honored.

I needed to cut off most of my hair before the ritual so the shaving would be quick and easy. Here are a few pictures of me going at it in my bathroom.

A little hesitant

Braver

Almost there

Ready to shave!

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Remember

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Isis, Egyptian Goddess

So, my question was, Why Isis? Why is she showing up inside my head when I had plenty of other gods, goddesses, angels, etcetera to work with? I became very curious about the history of Isis, and did a little research. The first written records about her appear about 2,500 B.C. She was the ideal mother, wife, matron of nature and magic, and she was everybody's friend - slave, sinner, artisan, downtrodden, as well as the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers. Isis is the goddess of motherhood and fertility. Her greatest feat was raising her husband Osiris from the dead after Set, Osiris' brother, whose is also named Chaos, had murdered him and scattered his body parts in the desert. The story of Isis and Set is just one of many resurrection stories of different gods and goddesses that appear in countless traditions, but I guess it's the one for me. When I read that Isis has the power to resurrect the dead, I realized that was why she had arisen from my unconscious and attracted my attention. I am going through a death and rebirth process, and the archetype of Isis is a mythic resource for my own resurrection. In her hand, she holds the ankh, the symbol of eternal life.

Isis holding an ankh

Devi and I did a session centered around the appearance of Isis. She asked me to summon her from my unconscious, and ask her what word or words she had to say to me. Immediately, I saw a word appear in my mind in big, capital letters: REMEMBER. I realized that here are several different meanings this word holds for me:

1. Remember who you really are.
2. Remember to gather all your scattered parts.
3. Remember to re-member your gathered parts.
   
4. Remember to let go of what you no longer need.
5. Remember to integrate what was with what is with what will be.

I have been working to re-member all of the different stories from my other lives, or if you prefer, alternate realities, that have arisen from my unconscious. I almost feel like a karmic janitor, searching out pieces of myself that are ready to be purified, released and integrated in the perfectly appropriate way.

Ancient Temple of Isis

This is one of many ancient temples of Isis scattered over Egypt. I find it very interesting that I have been visualizing a temple like this one for many months as I do my inner journeys and meditations. Beautiful, isn't it? The only difference between this one and the one I visit in meditation is that my temple on the inner planes is made of white light.

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A Fifth Archetype

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

So far, four archetypal deities had come together to create my supportive spiritual family. As I was getting acquainted with Green Tara, Kali, Medicine Buddha and Mahakala, I decided I needed a picture or statue of each one to put on my altar. But what I didn't know was that there was a fifth being waiting in the wings, and I found her the day I had a session with a gifted shamanic energy worker named Douglas Brady. On that day, to quote my diary: "I reached a place of love and light with Douglas that knocked my socks off."

Douglas Brady

Here is a quote from Douglas' website, www.sourcingyoursoul.net

Welcome to my practice of psychotherapy and healing. I am a body-mind centered psychotherapist and healer. For thirty years I have lived, practiced, taught, and facilitated the understanding of how our personal story and the resultant core patterns, belief systems and unresolved emotions directly impact our physiology and create our physical and psychological symptoms. My work is cutting edge. The techniques I use along with a highly developed intuition allow me to access your core disowned selves and energies that are the root cause of your symptoms. My work allows for the integration and healing of these unconscious forces and awakens you to your true potential and the gifts that live within you. You will feel connected to yourself and all of life again.

Our session began with a discussion of what I've always described as my secret wish to go home because I can't tolerate all the suffering on earth. I have this false belief that says if there is suffering on earth, I must take it on in order to somehow "help." Of course, Howard Bad Hand pointed out that my taking on others' pain does nothing but hurt me, and I was still trying to let go of that bad habit. Douglas and I explored my ability to feel pleasure, and how I decline to feel pleasure as long as there are beings suffering. When we were finally able to isolate the part of me that didn't suffer for others, Douglas asked how I felt, and I said, "Callous." Then I realized that my tumor was functioning as a callous, hardening my heart so I wouldn't feel the pain and suffering of the world. That realization gave me insight into my cancer along with tender compassion for the sad irony of my situation - although I thought that my tumor-callous was protecting my heart from pain, in reality, I had chosen to let suffering fester so close to my heart that it had almost killed me.

It struck me that the protection systems we create through our unconscious complexes are so inadequate and childlike compared to summoning what it takes to live courageously in each moment, deal with our fears as they come up, and release them when we realize they don't serve us.

Douglas asked me to send my awareness inside my tumor, and it felt like red jello. Then he asked me to go to the center of the red jello, and I found a smooth rock with a maze of holes in it...like a rock exposed to trickles of water for eons. I explored the maze of tunnels inside the rock, and then Douglas asked me to go to the very center of the rock. All of the sudden, I was in the center of a hologram of light, a gemlike geometric pattern with radiant lines of light extending in beautiful, orderly lines. It was very complex and extremely beautiful. Douglas whispered that I was in Source. I felt awe and astonishment, and I suddenly felt the presence of a being visiting me. She was tall, white, and she had wings, and she told me her name was Isis.

Angel Isis

I felt a re-patterning happening in my entire being. Douglas said that this entity was creating a resonance of her energy within me. He discussed my core issue about the separation between heaven and earth coming to resolution here in my heart. The Source energy in my heart is heaven on earth. There is no more polarity, no more paradox. He talked about Eva Pierokas' theories on the pleasure principle - that our basic nature is one of pleasure, but when we get thwarted when we're little, we learn to create negative pleasure and eventually that's what we settle for. An example of negative pleasure is when a little kid's parents aren't paying attention to her, and she starts bugging them until they yell at her. The yelling is a negative pleasure...it sucks, but at least they're paying attention to her. He said that I have a strong capacity for pleasure, and that it's very important to model the experience of pleasure and joy for others. It's a way of healing the world.

The Angel Isis was a hologram of light, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. And right before the session ended, I saw myself kneeling in front of a huge statue of Isis, the Egyptian goddess. My connection with the angel Isis was connected to a memory of being a priestess to the Egyptian goddess Isis. This was my first contact with Egyptian mythology in my shamanic inner work, and I had some investigating to do.

Isis, the Egyptian Goddess

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Mahakala

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

The next Tibetan Buddhist deity who appeared to me is Mahakala, a wrathful protector who promised to help me endure the hellish effects of chemotherapy. He appears like a demon, but he functions as a protector, and his purpose is to help us overcome obstacles on the path to enlightenment. He is a hulking god with flaming hair and a crown of skulls, and he is surrounded by fire. His domain is the Void of Timelessness, and he is fierce in order to protect all beings from evil. The five skulls he wears in a crown signify his transformation of the five faults or kleshas into the five wisdoms. He doesn't have much tolerance for delusion, greed, ignorance, rage, and other passions, and with him around, we don't tend to get as caught in these illusions because Mahakala grabs them up and dissolves them into the Great Void.

Mahakala

When he appeared in my active imagination work, I sort of tiptoed around him at first. Then I did a little research to see who I was dealing with, and when I read that he transformed kleshas into wisdom, I opened right up to him. I talk to him like he's a great-uncle - politely, but with appreciative affection. In my inner work with Mahakala, I often ask him to cleanse me of my kleshas. He lumbers over to stand in front of me, and suddenly all these stuff flies out of me into him, where it immediately disappears into the void. The stuff is made of all kinds of things...smoke, little holographic memories, pieces of my tumors, blobs of red anger, or feelings of despair. But once they hit him, they are gone forever. I've tried stepping into Mahakala's body to look for them, but all I've found there is the Great Silent Void. I still haven't figured out how my awareness can even exist within the Void; the world of active imagination can definitely lead us into paradoxical, inexplicable, mysterious moments.

I have asked Mahakala to enter my body when I attend each chemo session, and to absorb and dissolve all of the poisons in the drug that my body doesn't need. He acknowledged that he will be happy to oblige, and I can imagine myself palpably feeling his huge body extending out from my own as I walk into the infusion room and the nurse plugs my sacred chemotherapy elixirs into my blood.

The roots of Tibetan Buddhism are said to be tied into Tantric Hinduism along with the ancient, animistic Bon religion of pre-Buddhist Tibet. In those cross-over times, Kali was said to be the sister of Mahakala, and they both ruled over non-linear, spiraling time that permeates the Void together. Knowledge about huge archetypal powers such as what these two deities represent gives us the opportunity to tap into universal patterns of energy that can help us change our consciousness, and that of the entire world.

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Medicine Buddha

This blog is a continual story that begins with the first posting in the Blog Archive, The Journey Begins. Click down the list to read entries, and click on arrows to reveal monthly drop-down menus.

Even before I knew that I had breast cancer, I had felt ill for months, and when I saw a film from Netflix called The Knowledge of Healing, I knew intuitively that I wanted to be treated by a Tibetan amchi, or physician. All Tibetan amchis are connected to a Tibetan deity named the Medicine Buddha.

His radiant body is azure blue. His left hand is in the meditation mudra and holds a begging bowl full of long life nectar in his lap. As a sign that he gives protection from illness, his right hand is outstretched in the gesture of giving and holds the "great medicine", the myrobalan plant." Men-Tse-Khang

Medicine Buddha

Tibetan medicine recognizes three basic types of illness, the root causes of which are the conflicting emotions - passion, aggression and ignorance. Myrobalan is the herb in the Tibetan pharmacopoeia that can aid in healing each of these three types of diseases. This is like the action of the Buddha of Healing, who has the power to see the true cause of any affliction, whether spiritual, physical or psychological, and who does whatever is necessary to alleviate it. Ven. Thrangu Rinpoche

The Medicine Buddha is one of the five deities I have placed on my meditation shrine. Each morning, I thank the archetype for the precious medicines I have been sent for my healing, and I always make sure to include my chemotherapy as part of those healing elixirs. Then I visualize myself merging into the Medicine Buddha as he relieves the suffering of all beings and radiates compassion to all. I also recite the Medicine Buddha mantra, Tayata Om Bheganze Bheganze Maha Bheganze Radze Samudgate Soha. Although I don't consider myself a Tibetan Buddhist, I find great comfort in aligning myself with such powerful archetypal patterns and practices.

The Tibetan medicine that I get from my Tibetan amchi (physician) comes directly from the Dalai Lama's pharmacy in Dharamsala, where the herbal formulae are handmade according to centuries' old recipes. Amchi's herbs have alleviated intense burning pain related to the cancer that I have been suffering for many months, along with several other problems. When he takes my pulses and looks at my urine he has amazingly perceptive insight into what is going on inside my body. And when I begin chemo, Amchi tells me that his herbs will help my organs deal with the harmful effects of chemotherapy. I'm incredibly blessed to have a gifted Tibetan amchi treating me.

I would love to hear from you. To leave a comment about this posting, scroll down and type inside the white box below the heading, POST A COMMENT. Underneath the white box, it says Comment as: with a white bar that says Ria Moran (Google). Click the arrows on the right and a dropdown menu will appear. Choose name/URL and type in your name. The URL is not necessary. Or, if you wish, you may choose to leave a comment anonymously. Then click Post Comment in the next white box and your comment will be published. Thank you!